I’ve been in hell for years and years and years.
Survival mode, feeling sick every damn day, and the biggest thing I’m doing is trying to prevent suicide.
Then all a sudden, I get some relief. I start to feel normal. I feel good for once.
When you haven’t felt good in 6+ years, and then you do, it’s uncomfortable. You don’t know how to handle it. I’ve never been to war or in the military, but I would assume this is a similar feeling to being at war for years, then you come home to civilian life, and you don’t know how to handle it.
You still have all the memories, the traumas, the scars, the horror stories, but now… you have to figure out how to live again.
How to feel normal emotions. How to not be on edge. How to not be in fight mode all the time.
And it’s rough.
How do I stay motivated when I don’t have to worry about dying? How do I maintain relationships? How do I feel normal and happy when the life I have built doesn’t have sources of normalness or happiness? What do I do with all this loneliness? This desire to connect but there aren’t people around me I can trust?
What do I do?
I don’t know.
It feels like I’m alone in this. And I am in a way. But, if there is anything I’ve learned from war, it is to keep going no matter what. If I do that, maybe good things will happen.